There are moments in life, at least for me, where time seems to slow.  Two paths become clear.  

I have been struggling with low iron, a fairly common experience for female athletes.  In discussing this with my doctor I mentioned the associated lack of energy and lower mood.  Without even skipping a beat he dismissed my opinions and told me that my depression was back.

This is the part where two paths became clear to me.  The reason I want to relate this to you, is that were I a weaker person, I may have accepted the opinion of a man in a white coat.

In that moment I saw so much of my prior life flash before my eyes.  I saw myself filling prescription after prescription- searching desperately for the cure to being human.  I saw my younger self following a path that was well defined by someone else. I saw my life turn dark, the pain and suffering, the struggle to come up for air and the final year-long battle to be free.

I saw my life since getting clean: rich with the beauty of self discovery and growth.  A cognizance that I could not put into words, and this insatiable thirst to shatter limitations.

Perfect? By no means.  But 1000 times greater than what was before.

With all of these thought swimming in my mind, I looked the man in the white coat straight in the eye and emphatically disagreed. There is no going back.  I know what the bottom is, and I’ll be the one to decide.  

That moment in that room, that is the moment I really train for.  That is why I put in the miles no matter the conditions. Because in those moments I get to make a choice over and over again to choose strength and perseverance.  I get to be stronger than the pull of the shorter path.  


  1. You have a well developed sense of self awareness. It’s good to see you trust yourself. That’s a hard concept.

    Doctors are just people…they often go directly to the simplest solution.

    That said, Know I am always here if you do feel yourself sinking. I have been in that pit. Sometimes telling others makes it less overwhelming.


    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awe thanks! Yes I keep thinking about the people that perhaps wouldn’t trust themselves (like the old me) and would take the recommendation, and it upsets me. Those are the people I want to reach.

      Liked by 1 person

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